I wasn't sure where to start with 2014. I'm stuck and have been for a number of years. The thoughts for this year is to move forward. Not to conquer but to take the first precious steps toward change. A journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, right?
So, a few days ago I was trying to find my stash of composition books for a Mod Podge project (my handiwork below) and found an old journal I made in January 2012. I had written about a knitted sweater started the previous year. In my journal I was promising to finish it within the next few months. My poor sweater was unfinished in 2012 and sits unfinished in 2014. My pretty undone thing represents almost everything I haven't committed to since, well ... forever.
After pondering over my journal discovery, I woke with resolutions this morning. Not the earth shattering kind just the enough-is-enough-and-I-need-to-do-something kind. I gathered my soul coaching cards and grabbed my mason memory jar I received from my sister for Christmas. I decided these will be my main resolution tools for 2014. You might think my cards are silly but I take anything positive that keeps me on track when and where I can get it!
I was full of excitement as I shuffled and flipped out three cards: "Adventure, Peace, and Beginnings" - these cards epitomized the pace I needed to set for the new year as well as reaching my goals in the years to come. You see, I had already decided to put in motion a retirement strategy for 2016 and I knew a major part of it is to follow through on my decisions. I'd also decided to use my memory jar to write down my future goals as well as my favorite memories throughout the year. The picture below doesn't show off the memory jar but there are my cards. (I'll be posting more on the memory jar in a few days and will provide better pictures then.)
As I read the meanings of the cards, feelings and goals started to fall into place and helped me align things in my head. I knew my first step was to figure out why I do what I do that keeps me stuck. I already know I don't really "love" myself but, wow, to learn to love myself seems so HUGE! Terrifying even. Where would I even start? Then it occurred to me that when I look in the mirror I'm not even okay with what I see staring back. The light went on and right there I found my first step. I need to be okay with me. Not love me, not like me but be okay with who I am. I know I'm a good person. I know my core is based in kindness and compassion but I have a hard side which expects so much from myself. It stops me from moving forward and it filters the way I see myself. But you know what else it allows me to do? FAIL!
Yup, that's right. Not being okay with myself allows me to so much room to fail. It keeps me in sitting smack dab in the middle of that tight, small, dark space of going no where. It lets me do just enough so I can feel secure that I'm a good person but I have an excuse not to rise to my potential. Additionally, it gives me the little perk that when I finally do or create something really nice I'm amazed that I pulled it off and when I don't -- eh, what should I expect? If I do good it was by accident, if not, failure was expected anyway. Nice little out for myself right?
I've found my first step; To explore what does and doesn't make me feel okay. This is my foundation because once I'm okay I then can find what makes me happy. What are challenges become adventures. What is failure is now my learning curve. Angst is replaced by peace. I'm allowed to fail but most of all I'm allowed to grow in the shadow of failure. I can take my first step.